I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
