can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have already put on my inside pants.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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