the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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