I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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