Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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