You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
