She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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