I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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