barbara walters just said penis...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
