So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
