Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I can't put those talents on a resume
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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