That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
