Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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