We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
are you so shy because you have an std?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
