I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
