i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
