"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
