I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Two words: nipple clamps
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