I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
