I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
