Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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