That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
