there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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