epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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