Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.