is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?