I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
