DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...