I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?