OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.