Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
