the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
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