I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
