Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
