I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
