True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Randomize
