this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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