Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm too high and old for this...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
