The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
