Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
