I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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