So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
