apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
