I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
