saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just googled if crying burns calories
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
3pm strippers are depressing
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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