Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
