Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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