Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
