so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
