Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
