I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
