Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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