Cold hands, warm shart.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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