If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
