I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
