Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
