New invention idea: vibrating tampons
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
