today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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