take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
