Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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