Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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