My nipple is on Facebook.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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