Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
