I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My vagina is officially offended.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
